Memories and Growth

Loving Gabriella

As my skin twists under the diamond cut blade
The crimson streaks of hurt flow away
And I realize how good this pain can feel
When the emotional scars can't seem to heal.

Distracted and numb I remained for a year
Before the intense pain began with a tear.
So much grief, each word of strife
Would I ever regain a love for life?

Or would I remain in desperate search
For existence that continues beyond the earth?
"Move on," they say. "You're young, have more."
Or the worst - only silence- these people I abhor.

For how can they know the wretched insides
Of a heartbroken mother whose daughter has died.
I am scarred, destroyed, confused, and dead
Wishing she hadn't slept in that condemned bed.

As I try to recall the good times we shared
I am flooded with images of finding her there.
Her lifeless body - eyes closed, arm raised;
Breathing into the nose - and I even prayed.

"Whoever, Whatever, is someone there?
Poor choices I've made of this I am aware.
But please, don't take her, she's done nothing wrong.
If it's retribution you seek take me, her mom.

But whoever, whatever may have been there
Was not listening to me, or simply didn't care.
I pumped her chest with desperate hope in my heart;
The medics arrived to do their part.

They cut her clothes in half like a rag,
Put wires to her chest, reached for a bag.
"Stop!" said one as he touched the other's arm,
"There's nothing we can do, she's definitely gone."

It's memories like these keeping me up at night
Nauseating visions tell me to quit the fight.
When she died, I died as well
And was forced into rebirth - or is this hell?

I know in my heart I must go on.
There are two beautiful boys that need their mom.
But I am not tough, I am not strong -
I am simply hiding the pain which shall never be gone.

So now and then I need the release
To let the blood flow, make the intensity cease.
The scars on my body will glow and not hide
While the destroyed woman lingers inside.

And on occasion she will come out and cry.....
Never forgetting the child that died.

In memory of Gabriella Heather Robinson
October 29, 1997 - September 16, 1998

posted by Heather @ 1:29 PM